Ben, when was The last time--
When was the last time you Washed those things, ben ?
Washed what, dad ?
Your bottoms, They look all stained.
Why don't you leave those in the Hamper so grace can wash those ?
Because they're really Disgusting.
What are you Talking about ?
I'm talking about the stains All over your bottoms.
Yeah, well, i mean, I do wash them.
They're just Indelible stains.
You know, they're--
I don't wanna know.
I mean, it's not like it's, You know, bad stains.
It's food and drinks.
I don't think you should take Snacks to bed anymore at night.
You want me To take off the--
What ?
You want me To pull these off ?
I certainly do not.
I don't think You wanna see.
Nope, i don't.
All right, look, Whatever you want, dad.
But here's my point:
You bring a snack to bed, You go to bed at 10:00.
Two hours later, you're Up for your midnight snack.
All right, I'm taking 'em off.
( Phone ringing )
I'll get it, Dad, hello ?
( Laura ) Oh, hi.
Hi, who's this ?
It's laura.
Laura, hey.
What are you doing up ?
I try to get up early now and Have a cup of herbal tea,
'Cause i'm trying To wean off the coffee,
'Cause if i have a cup of Coffee, you know,
It keeps me up For two or three hours,
And then i can't take a nap Until, like, after noon.
Uh, can you Just tell your dad
That i'm not gonna be Into work today ?
Oh, really, What's the problem ?
Ben, does she Wanna talk to me ?
It's for me, dad.
Okay, i'm sorry.
All right.
Just drink Your herbal tea.
I can't drink this crap, this Tastes like yak piss to me.
I'm sorry.
Laura, listen, if you're not Gonna be at work today,
Maybe we could Spend the day together.
I'd see a matinee.
What do you mean she's Not gonna be at work ?
Did you just say she's Not gonna be at work today ?
Laura's not gonna be At work today.
Today is a workday.
Well, i'm working It through here.
Well, can i Talk to her, please ?
Not yet.
Why isn't she Coming to work ?
How come you're not coming To work, laura ?
Just-- i have A few errands to do.
I have to get My watch fixed.
Women's problems, dad.
And holiday shopping.
Are you sick ?
I have to get My watch fixed.
Yeah, but are You sick, too ?
No.
Really ?
Really.
Then how come You can't come to work ?
'Cause i have to Get my watch fixed !
How long does That take ?
All day.
Oh, you're Fixing it yourself ?
Just give me The phone, ben-- laura ?
( Dial tone )
I don't suppose, Ben, you'd wanna come in
And lend a hand, Pitch in.
Today ?
Just come in and help out with The phones, billing, and--
Couldn't you Juggle those things ?
Like do a session and then File stuff afterwards.
I could, but the fact That you're gonna be
Watching the home shopping network--
Not just that.
You know, that's not Even the issue.
I can do fine Without your help.
You know what Would be nice, though ?
Is if just once You would say,
"Hey, dad, can i Help out in some way ?
Can i lend a hand ?"
Fine.
Just to make just The gesture itself,
Even if you don't Mean it.
You just want me to say it, Is that right ?
Hey, dad, would You like me to help out ?
Yes, i would.
Not today.
Okay, i had to Give it a shot.
Well, what does The job entail, exactly ?
Well, you know, just manning The phones, what laura does,
And helping With the scheduling.
There's insurance paperwork To be done.
Maybe it's not Such a good idea.
What, why ?
Well, truth is It'll take more time
For me to show you how To do this stuff
Than to actually do it myself.
Well, you know, it doesn't Sound that difficult.
Well, i think-- you know, It doesn't sound difficult,
But i think there's quite A bit of inside information.
You have to be familiar with The terminology and the--
Well, i could pick it up.
And the system.
But for me To teach that to you
Would be very time-consuming, That's all.
You're saying I can't do it ?
I'm saying that today is Not a good day to do it.
What am i, not qualified ?
No, you're overqualified.
If anything, You're overqualified.
Really ?
It would be A step backwards
For me to sit down with you And show you the books.
Is there A benefits package ?
Ben, i appreciate it.
Well, we could work it On a trial basis.
I could come in For a couple of hours.
I'm gonna have to let You go, ben, i'm sorry.
Hello, doctor.
Ray, nice to see you.
All righty, Nice to be back here.
Haven't seen you, you Missed a few sessions.
Have you Been out of town ?
I've been on The road a lot.
Yeah, and how has that--
I was in vegas.
Oh, wow.
You been there ?
Sure, sure.
There's a town, huh ?
Crazy.
Yup.
It is.
Drive-through wedding chapels, Did you see that ?
I've seen that, yes.
How about legalized Prostitution ?
Heh ?
So i hear, over there.
Yeah, it's all Over the place.
And it was hot, when were You there-- in the summer ?
Yes, very, very--
114°, but You know what ?
I'd rather be in vegas 114° Than new york 90°.
You know why ? Legalized prostitution.
In any weather, that takes The edge off.
It's a joke, of course.
You know i'm A happily married man.
I'm sure-- i knew you Were kidding.
My twins are Two years old now.
How are they doing, The kids ?
That's another reason I'm under so much stress.
You know what That's like ?
There's two Two-year-olds in my house.
I'm sure that's difficult.
You've been through A two-year-old, right ?
One two-year-old, yeah.
Yeah, even people Who haven't been--
They know what Two-year-olds are like.
They've seen 'em, they've Read about 'em.
Terrible twos.
Maybe they've seen Documentary footage.
Sometimes p.B.S. will show
The two-year-old In the wild, out there,
Where they belong.
Who domesticated them ?
If you know what a single Two-year-old can do in a house,
Just picture another one right There, right behind him.
You know, Just egging him on.
"Come on, jump, you can Jump from there.
"Yes, that's jumpable !
"Come on, what Are you afraid of ?
"I did it when I was one.
"Hurry up.
"We gotta go see how far we can Stick our arm in the toilet.
I got the Whole day planned."
So they like to get Each other in trouble ?
Is that the idea ?
Uh-huh !
Dad, you know, i hope you're A little more supportive
Of laura Than you are of me.
What are you saying ?
I'm saying our employer- Employee relationship
Is not doing Well right now, dad.
Ben, you're not an employee.
Well, i had the opportunity, And you nixed it.
And i just hope You're not this curt
And short and curt With laura.
I'm quite--
You know, And it seems to me--
I think if anything i'm overly Accommodating with laura.
You sit down And you listen, dad,
'Cause it seems to me that laura Sounds unhappy at the office.
She wouldn't be calling in
And saying she can't come To work for no good reason.
Maybe you think i--
Well, i think things sound A little tense at the office.
And you have one--
No, i think if anything that She's the source of the tension.
You know, it's not Right to project.
I create a fairly Professional environment,
A comfortable environment To work in.
I pay well, I treat her with respect.
Well, to be honest, it's the Responsibility of the employer
To create a good working Atmosphere, and--
Isn't that just What i said that i do ?
I don't know, I didn't listen.
That's the problem then.
I'm just saying because You only have one employee,
And she's potentially Very unhappy.
You know, most companies have Thousands of employees, and--
So you're saying 100% of My employees are unhappy ?
Yeah, and that's A bad percentage.
It's a good percentage If it was a good thing.
Then it works-- It cuts both ways.
I'm having a difficult Time understanding.
I hate these women Who are so thin
And then they still Wanna lose more weight.
I hate that.
Yeah, they have A problem.
There are, like, really Teeny women, you know,
The kind Of women that, like,
Can't get those supermarket Doors to automatically open.
They use, like, chapstick For deodorant.
You have a similar problem With the aerobics people.
I can't stand it, You know.
These women And these tapes.
They're like, "okay, Lie on your back,
Throw your legs over Your head, now run in place."
So you were married once, Is that right ?
Yes.
We don't Talk about it much.
We don't talk about It a lot, no, we don't.
Obviously didn't Pan out.
No, it didn't take.
Well, there Were problems.
He tricked me into Getting married.
How so ?
He told me I was pregnant.
What happened to the optometrist That you were seeing ?
Oh, that's the last Time i do that.
Oh, he was So annoying in bed.
The whole time He's like,
"Okay, better like This or better like this ?
Better like this, Or better like this ?"
I'm sure there's a certain Fear that develops
Of being intimate again.
Well, frankly, when you Haven't had sex for a while,
You know, i'm afraid that the Next time i'm in that situation
I might forget, you know.
I'm gonna wind up In bed and be like,
"Wait a minute-- you're Gonna put what where ?
All right, look, if that's what The young people are doing."
But you know what You can do with laura ?
You know what works ?
It's one of the Latest techniques.
It's called intra-office Primal screaming.
I don't think we're Zoned for that, stanley.
Well, you could do it Just on the lunch hour,
Like, just, like, two, three Minutes, real quick, like--
"Ah, ah !"
The two of you together.
You know what I'm saying ?
Just little Guttural sounds ?
Yeah, and just real quick Bursts, like, "ah, ah !
Yeah, blah !"
I do that in my car.
I roll up the windows and scream At the top of my lungs.
It's good, it gets The blood flowing.
Yeah.
But you always have To have all the windows up.
I've learned that lesson.
Leave one Window open and--
It's true.
You have been forced To deal gracefully
With some very Difficult situations,
And you have constantly Risen to the occasion.
Are you dying Or something ?
I want you to keep this On your desk from now on.
You're making me an Administrative assistant.
I can't believe it.
That's right, laura.
All my dreams come true.
Well, pinch yourself And wake up.
This is happening, This is not a dream.
I cannot believe it.
Can i pinch you ?
If you want A lawsuit.
How is this different From receptionist ?
Well, i won't be Able to pay you as much,
But there will be additional Responsibilities.
That is funny.
Yeah, i love to Kid around about titles.
She's crazy, My daughter.
How old is she now ?
Right now she's four.
That's a good age.
That's the privilege of being Four-- you can be crazy.
You don't gotta Come for therapy at four.
The other day she came in--
There were people Over at our house--
And she came in and named Her toes for everyone.
She had a name For every toe.
"Oh, that's julie, That's nancy, that's karen."
Oh, everybody thought that Was adorable, yeah.
But if grandpa does it, It's a tragedy all of a sudden.
Nobody wants that.
Nobody wants Grandpa coming in--
"Hey, hey, that's fat tony And that's jimmy the weasel.
Been pissing me off."
One of my Two-year-olds--
This one i wanna ask you-- If this is normal.
"Normal" is not a word I like to use, ray.
He was in the bathtub, And i guess the water
Must have Stimulated him.
You know what i'm Getting at here ?
Yeah, that's normal.
He's only two, That's weird.
Perfectly natural to be Stimulated by warm water.
Okay, and that's a big day For a two-year-old,
When he realizes that Part of his body gets larger.
He came running out Of the bathtub--
"Pee-pee big, Pee-pee big !"
Which, you know, Once again-- cute.
Grandpa does that-- not so Cute anymore, right ?
There's your Double standard.
Why can't grandpa Get excited ?
I'm sure he's just as Surprised as a two-year-old.
I think that's an important Point that you're making, laura,
Is that we shouldn't say No to each other.
We shouldn't negate an idea,
And what i did Was an example of that.
Can i have a raise ?
I'll tell you why that doesn't Work for me right now.
Because if we--
All right, All right, all right.
All right !
Dr. Katz, your Receptionist, laura,
Has a major attitude, and She starts in with me.
I don't start in With her, okay ?
I'm not saying That you do.
I'm saying that--
I asked her the simplest Question.
I said, "do you have A more recent people ?"
I think that's a Very legitimate question.
You have really old peoples In there, dr. Katz,
If you don't mind my saying.
You have chris evert and John lloyd on the cover, okay ?
Happy newlyweds.
These are Old, old issues.
Well, let's not bring Them up then.
What was the magazine ?
You were talking about Some magazine last week.
Was it playgirl ?
playgirl magazine.
I don't understand How they stay in business,
Because i've never Met one woman
That has ever Bought this magazine,
And i'll tell you why it's not Necessary, dr. Katz, okay ?
Because to see A naked guy is very easy.
All you gotta do Is ask him.
It's pretty much, "Excuse me, sir,
Would you mind Getting naked ?"
"Hey, sure-- no problem."
And you got Your naked guy.
You're looking at the clock, Aren't you ?
No, i'm not.
Are you sure ?
'Cause i always notice When you look to the right.
I think you're looking At the clock.
I haven't looked at The clock in five minutes.
Really ?
Really.
Am i one of your Favorite patients ?
No, i try not to play Favorites, carol.
And i'll tell you why.
Because it produces This incredible rivalry
Between my patients.
Backstabbing and, you know, Out-dressing each other.
( Dr. Katz ) Hey, don't you think--
Doesn't that sound Like fun to you, a party ?
Oh, yeah.
You know, i'm talking About music and refreshments,
A sing-along, you know, The whole company.
All both of us.
It's a staff party.
Me, my administrative Assistant, and me.
And my big feet.
Las vegas, ray, Is not really a city.
It's more of a celebration Of everything evil.
They just take your Money so quick there.
You know, there's slot machines In the supermarket.
Did you know that ? It's pathetic.
There's people there With their shopping list.
"Oh, we don't need eggs !"
It's not right.
And it's weird How tacky it is.
I get a kick out of these Cigarette girls
That walk around The casino floor
With those cigarette trays, Those trays they have,
And these little novelty Things they're selling.
Like yo-yos, Lighted yo-yos for sale.
'Cause you never know when A high roller's gonna snap--
"Hey, can a guy get a f-- Yo-yo around here, huh ?"
"What's a guy Gotta do to get a yo-yo ?"
Please, calm down.
"I'm not gonna shut up, Vinny, all right ?
"I just dropped $20,000.
I'd like to walk the dog If that's possible."
Ray ?
I didn't even Stay in vegas.
I stayed in one of these little Cheap hotels on the outskirts.
That's your Best bet, you know.
Did you go to the mirage
When you were there And see the tigers ?
Sure, beautiful, beautiful.
And the volcano.
You know, your best bet is To go to the little ones,
The little mom-and-pop Casinos off to the side.
Oh, really ?
'Cause they're cute.
They don't have much, But they're quaint.
They try to Compete with the mirage.
You know, they've got white Hamsters in the lobby.
That's not much.
They don't Have a volcano.
The owner will backfire his Truck in the parking lot.
"All right, there, There's an animal,
There's a noise-- Now lose some money."
It's a different thing.
They don't have the same Games as the big casinos.
They didn't have keno At the place i was staying.
They had something Like it.
The waitress would Come up to me and say,
"I'm thinking of a number Between one and ten."
( Humming )
Hey, you know what, ben ?
The more I think about it--
Yeah ?
There's no problem.
The more i think about it, The less of a problem there is.
You know, we have one Little run-in.
That doesn't Mean that things
Aren't being well-run And well-managed.
Sure, sure.
Get it off Your chest, dad.
So that's what i'm doing.
I'm saying that i run A tight ship there.
Yeah, i'm sure you do.
And all hands Aboard are happy.
You're a very Powerful man, dad.
You got a--
I'm not talking About power.
I'm talking about My management skills.
Oh yeah, i bet Those are great.
You got a great company Over there.
Well, i honed My skills there.
Yeah, do your job, dad.
Good night, ben, and I don't have a problem.
Good night.
Don't bother me.
All right, Good night, now.
All right, love you.
Love you, too.
( Singing )
Hey, laura-- You're just in time.
Help me out On his one.
* Dashing through the snow
* In a one-horse Open sleigh *
Can you help me out ?
Can you help Me out on this one ?
* Dashing through the snow In a-- *
I'd rather not.
Okay, we can Come back to that.
Let me put my guitar down.
And we'll just have A little something to eat,
And we'll catch up.
Okay.
'Cause you know what ?
We see each other Every day,
But you know What we don't do ?
What ?
We don't talk to each other.
You know how much I know about your life
Outside of this office ?
Nothing.
I don't even know If you're into sports,
What kind of music You like.
If you collect something.
You know what, though ?
Yeah ?
Um... I have to go.
I thought first we could just Get acquainted a little bit.
Do you want-- I got some--
Do you like diet soda ?
Or regular soda With the pretzels ?
Yeah, i have to go.
Yeah ?
Okay, well, Then we can, uh...
We can do this Another time.
It doesn't have to Be tonight, the holiday.
Um... Okay.
You know, it's just Arbitrary, really.
But if you Wanna come back,
I think ben's gonna be Stopping by.
Oh.
And he should Be here any minute.
I have to go.
Okay, can i ask you One thing, first ?
Will you help Me out on this tune ?
* Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle-- *
How about this ?
I gotta go.
Okay, but first Let's try this.
But if ben Shows up after i leave,
Just tell him that i left.
If you wanna hook up later Somewhere at another party,
I'm really-- I'm scot-free tonight.
Dr. Katz ?
Yeah ?
You're coming so close to Tugging on my heartstrings.
I'm sorry, I'll back up.
I gotta go.
Okay.
Dr. Katz ?
Yeah ?
Thanks.
Well, thank you.
Did i give You a raise ?
I forget.
I'll tell you One thing about her.
Uh-huh.
You really have To, uh...
Oh yeah, i know What you're saying.
You know what i mean, It's not so easy.
Yeah.
I mean, she's fun, but she's not Really that effusive, like us.
So, yeah, this is Pretty good right here.
You-- it was only You and laura.
Me-- i was standing over here, And laura was over there.
You didn't invite Anybody else to the party ?
I invited a couple of people, But i gave 'em such short notice
They had their own plans, You know.
'Cause there's A million office parties
Going on all over The city.
Hey, you want Some eggnog ?
No, i'm gonna pass, Actually.
Look around, How does this place look ?
It's good.
You put up A couple things, huh ?
Yeah.
I wanted to change The mood in here.
Yeah, it's nice.
Glum is a step up From morose, right ?
Hey, would you help me Out with a little--
Remember we used To do this as a round ?
* Dashing through the snow
That's not a round, dad.
* In a one-horse--
We never did This as a round.
I think we did.
We didn't, We never did this.
But try it.
I don't think We ever sang this.
So i'll start it.
* Dashing through the--
* In a one-horse open--
* All the--
* Laughing all the--
* Dashing through the snow
Now you.
* Dashing through The snow *
Now me.
* Dashing through The snow *
Now me.
* Dashing through the snow
Now me.
I said me.
Now us.
* In a one-horse... *